Understanding Interpersonal Dynamics, reclaim your True Self – away from outdated power dynamics.
Imagine a triangle. In one corner lies our hero, the rescuer, ready to fix everything, to do battle to save the world.
In another corner lies a victim, someone who is having a seriously bad time. Poor little one, we feel such pity for them.
And in the final corner we see the cause of the pain, the persecutor. How dare s/he!
Watch closely what happens as they spring into action –
The rescuer leaps from their corner into the persecutors lair ready to sort out this issue.
Yeah, we shout… pleased that, at last, the cause of the problem will be dealt with.
That is until we see that perhaps the persecutor is not actually as bad as we thought, in fact s/he seems to be becoming a victim of the fixer’s righteous anger. As the fixer takes on the cloak of the persecutor, the persecutor dons the robes of the victim and shuffles over into the victim’s corner.
As the ex-persecutor shuffles into the victim’s corner, the victim sees the situation and becomes outraged at the ex-fixers behaviour. S/he finds the strength to defend this poor victim, the ex-persecutor, and then bounds into the rescuer’s corner.
At this, our ex-rescuer – now residing in the perpetrators corner – calms down and remembers s/he is meant to be the one to fix everything. S/he dumps the persecutors cloak and jumps back into the rescuers corner which irritates and angers our ex-victim.
Our ex-victim now leaps into the vacant persecutors corner, furious about …..
And on they play, jumping from corner to corner of the triangle at the whim of their reaction to their perceptions, perceptions that are shifting and changing every moment.
So … a question … how many of us spend endless hours reacting as the victim, the rescuer or the persecutor instead of responding to a situation without playing in those roles?
For many of us this triangle, sometimes called the drama triangle for obvious reasons, directs the course of our relationships and life.
Certainly our myths are full of the triangle in action and don’t many of us secretly wish we were a super-hero, I always wanted to be Batman myself!
Trouble is, this triangle can truly create a nightmare in our life. Constantly trying to fix everything, feeling trapped and angry about circumstances and ready to do battle at any given moment are signs that you are stuck in the trap.
So if we recognise that we are caught in this nightmare what can we do?
Firstly stop and acknowledge it. Naming it is very powerful. Not what the other is doing but our own role in perpetuating the triangle. Recognising that we are playing the victim, the persecutor or the fixer – or more likely jumping between all three roles, is the first step.
So, just name it. Stay away from blaming your fellow triangle members – you don’t want the persecutors spot, nor do you want to start feeling guilty about it all, otherwise the victim corner will open to embrace you.
Next give yourself space before reacting. You cannot fix this. That compelling feeling is part of the role of the rescuer. A very comfortable place for many of us but ultimately, once we are the rescuer, we become doomed also to take on the roles of the victim and the persecutor.
Be also aware of the attraction of being the victim. We often enjoy this spot. It can feel very nice to have all those rescuers offering to save us. But it is a very tiring role. And ultimately, if we continue to reside in victimhood, we abdicate our personal responsibly and end up waiting for someone to rescue us and make us happy. We also often end up living out a life immersed in bitterness and resentment for the lousy hand we have been dealt.
Recognising you have power in your life is essential. You can choose whatever you like. You only need to take the consequences of your choices.
This Month’s Resolve : to accept responsibility for my life and my choices and take action!
This article was written by Gay Landeta with the intention of helping you to Create the Life you Want to Live! All rights reserved 2013.