Gay LandetaSo many of us are natural born fixers that the only way we can really relate to others is when we are Reflective Listeningsolving their problems. We are so used to offering advice and helping others that making the choice to stop fixing can leave us feeling lost. But once we really understand how draining being the rescuer is – and how it keeps us caught in the Drama Triangle we need to find new ways of relating.Reflective listening is a great skill to use to give support without being a rescuer. Basically reflective listening is reflecting back what you are hearing or the emotions you are hearing in a way that can be confirmed as truth or not.

For example, saying ‘Sounds like you are feeling bad about what you did’ or ‘seems like you are not sure if they like you or not’, or ‘you sound like you are feeling really annoyed about that’ opens the space for more discussion. The, very often, the person you are reflecting back to can figure it out for themselves, especially if they are overtly asking for help.

If they directly ask what you think, you could say something like ‘I don’t know’ (if you don’t) or ‘what I would do is right for me not right for you’ or ‘I can’t really say as I am not you’ or ‘I might do xyz, but only you know if something like that could be helpful for you’.

Inner WisdomThe aim is to open the space for them to go within to find the answer and help them to use any suggestions as suggestions only. If we have been exceptional fixers often people will follow what we say without questioning their own inner wisdom,  ultimately a disempowering situation for everyone. Reflective listening creates the space for the inner reflection that allows the inner wisdom to wake up and take part in life.

This article was written by Gay Landeta with the intention of helping you to Create the Life you Want to Live! All rights reserved 2015.