Our life is created around patterns of behaviour that we have developed to cope with, or in response to our experiences in life.
Often we wake up to old patterns that aren’t working for us anymore. We recognize that they are not useful and want to change but can’t. It can feel extremely frustrating to keep battling patterns we know are dysfunctional.
How to get out of them? First step, recognize the pattern in its entirety and how it has been useful. No matter how dysfunctional the behaviour, it was a defense mechanism that once upon a time worked. (Or at least was better than any other options.) Forgive yourself for being human!
Next decide what new behaviour could work and experiment with implementation. You will probably find it works for a little bit until you fall into the habit of the old behaviour. Again forgive yourself for being human.
Think it through a bit more, recognize the complexity of the pattern, maybe talk to some impartial outsiders to help you figure out a few more tactics and let go of a bit of baggage and have another go.
It will probably work a bit better this time. Or at least until you get stressed. Frustration or overwhelm hits and you might just pull out the old habit because at least it used to sort of work. And wham there you are again. Forgive yourself yet again for being human.
Maybe have another chat with your impartial support, dig a bit deeper and unpack a bit more of the old baggage, learn a few new techniques for dealing with stress, frustration and overwhelm and keep on keeping on practicing the new habits – until one day you notice they are your normal way of being.
Lets explore this in action, let’s say your old behaviour is screaming at or offering the silent treatment to the kids or your partner when they won’t help. (This is a pretty generic behaviour and one most people would prefer not to do.)
First recognize it probably worked the first time or two. They were surprised or responded to the implied threat so it became a pattern of (hoped for) success. Now power battles are beginning to take place (either all out war or passive non-listening). It is not working.
You want to substitute a more measured response but the pattern is an old one. You try but end up in the old pattern most of the time anyway.
Your new pattern is to speak your needs calmly and factor in reasonable consequences, ie you won’t do laundry that is not in the washing basket or you can’t make dinner until the kitchen is tidy. Make sure they know (with love and respect) what these consequences are. No one can read your mind!
Start practicing your new habits and be aware of the feelings that come up. Unpack the baggage and do the work on them. For example who’s problem is it if you are afraid of what others will think when your loved ones leave the house in dirty clothes or eat toast for dinner? Yours.
What about if they are disappointed and angry because they have nothing to wear that is clean or don’t have time to eat before they go out? It is theirs.
Practice seeing the whole issue, letting it go and allowing it just to be. And forgive yourself and them for being human.
Keep on practicing and one day you will find those clothes in the dirty basket and the kitchen clean. Without asking.
Here is a poem you may like…
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson
1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost…
I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit
My eyes are open; I know where I am;
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
5) I walk down another street.
This article was written by Gay Landeta with the intention of helping you to Create the Life you Want to Live! All rights reserved 2011.
