Personal Development Archives | Gay Landeta, Brisbane Kinesiology, Life Coach & Business Mentor

How to Process Old ‘Stuff’

Posted on May 15, 2018 Posted in Gay Landeta, Personal Development Leave a comment

Here we are at another powerful New Moon – have you noticed old stuff coming up? Hidden fears and almost forgotten painful experiences that you thought you had processed? Maybe they are coming up in your dreams – or perhaps you are finding yourself triggered by a book you are reading or in a conversation you are having…

There is no doubt we are created as ‘works in progress’, our learning and growth will never be complete – and that is how it should be – so when old stuff comes up it offers us the opportunity to gather new wisdom.

But what about old trauma and difficult times – when do we stop processing and start moving on? When it no longer holds us. When we learn enough from an experience to know that we are no longer defined by it. And when we learn so well from the experience that it will NEVER happen again. That is what our in-built safety system needs to know to release us from the past.

A Full Moon is a time to let go – but a New Moon is a perfect time to welcome in the new, gathered from the wisdom that has been gained from the past. Instead of avoiding that old painful stuff, leave it in the past by deciding to focus on the positive things you have learnt from it.

Grab a pen and paper and ask yourself :

- - What changes have I made or can I make that will help me know that it will never happen again? (These might be appraching things differently or thinking about things differently. They may be about knowing that you are older now and just know better. They may be about knowing you simply make better decisions for a myriad of reasons.)

- - What new insights do I need to deeply connect to and absolutely believe about myself or about the world? (These may be that you are good enough as you are, or that you deserve respect and consideration. They may be that the majority of people are good or that life is challenging at times but those times to pass. Dig into to see what makes you feel safe.)

- - What re-frames do I need to make? (How can you change your perspective to see it in a different light?)

- - How can I grow from that old experience? (Is there any other learnings or wisdom to be gained from hanging on to it?)

Then work with these to make them your truths.

Call me if are having trouble identifying or integrating these – sometimes an outside perspective is needed to see things differently – or some kinesiology to help let them go. Call me on 0418 795 135 or book in a session in my on-line calendar

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More on Finding Meaning

Posted on May 2, 2018 Posted in Gay Landeta, Personal Development, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

Meaning is something we all crave in our life. But finding it in our everyday lives can be difficult. A beautiful way to connect with what is meaningful is to create a photo journal. This process takes us out of our everyday and helps us to connect with and remember what really matters to us.

For 30 days take a picture every day of something that means something to you. It might be your child, a leaf, a building, anything. Print it out – this step is important as our phones and social media are stuffed full of photos we forget almost immediately. Then put it in a beautiful journal and write a few (or lots) of words about why this photo is meaningful to you.

You will end up with a snapshot of a month of your life. The significant and insignificant moments and the ups and possibly downs of this moment in time. This is a beautiful item to keep and reflect on, share with your children or hand down in your family.

As a bonus, by the end of the month you will find you will be looking at things differently. The process of looking at your surrounds with the intention to find meaning will change how you see things. You will start seeing the quiet moments of meaning in the everyday. Life will feel more meaningful simply by doing this process. So if you are searching for a little more meaning in your life try devoting the next 30 days to playing with this process. everyday meaning

Remember, as Jean-Paul Sartre said “We are our choices.” Make yours to create the life you want to live!

Finding Meaning In The Everyday

Posted on April 24, 2018 Posted in Create your Business!, Gay Landeta, Hints & Tips for Creating & Goal Setting, Personal Development Leave a comment

Aside from the beauty of this time of year; the seasonal change and Mercury retrograde is ushering in a time to rethink who we are and where we are going. This always brings up the concept of meaning in our life. meaning

As with many of you, my sweet spot is the balance between being and doing. Too much doing and I get caught up in the world of achievements. I start adding more and more onto my plate. Too much being and I loose motivation and get bored. As balance can never be static that fine line is the one I work with walking each day.

One of the things I find works to help keep me on track and maintaining my balance is working with 3 (only) achievable goals each month. This keeps my focus but stops me from getting into overwhelm. Choosing only 3 means that I must prioritise those that relate most directly to my bigger vision for my life. One, at least, will be personal and they all will have meaning to me.

I teach this process to my business mentoring clients and inside my Life Mastery Process but there are also other tools that I recommend – and I am always on the look out for new ideas. Last year I watched ‘Best Self Journal’ move from kickstarter to one million in sales in only a few months. It looked an amazing planning system. However I already have a system that includes a gratitude and reflection planning diary, Trello (online) for my Master To Do’s and reminders and notes for stuff so I really didn’t want to add something else. But I did mention it to several clients who I thought might gel with it.

One client recently came back saying that she had a wonderful period using it – and gifted me with one. Wow! Perfect timing to try it out this quarter! I am using it and am really impressed. The psychological processes it uses to induce positivity, motivation and habit change are magic.

The ‘Best Self” process of identifying 3 quarterly projects that are part of your big picture obviously fits with my own process. In the BSJ process you next break these down into 3 actions or steps that need to be achieved this quarter. This is great as you reallly have to start thinking how you are going to make that happen. And then each action into 3 tasks, which may be an action or a habit change. In the end you have identified 9 items to focus on over over 13 weeks. Everything must be achievable and measurable, ie you know when they are done, kind of tasks (rather than an overall intention).

Next you write a commitment to doing them – double checking that they can be done in the time frame no matter what! And your why – for motivation. You then plan a celebration for when you do it. We are often not very good about celebrating our successes unless they are a major achievement. In this process you are celebrating the milestones along the way which is a good sound psychological process.

Weekly you track your tasks and changing habits and reflect on your progress. Daily you spend a few minutes in the morning (really only a few minutes) setting yourself up to ‘win the day’ (BestSelf’s big call to action!) In the evening you spend a few more minutes reflecting on your wins and lessons learnt with a bit more gratitude for balance.

I really enjoy the regular positive reflection and the tiny steps to a big goal. Mine lives on my bedside table as a journal rather than with me as a diary and I find new insights each day. Some of them are ,glaringly obvious but until I had not seen them. Using this minimalist morning and evening reflection process means they became obvious. I really like this as a process of positive personal growth and can see it is infinitely adjustable no matter if you are a super high powered exec or someone who just likes experimenting with finding your own best self and finding meaning in the everyday.

Martin Seligmen (a guru in the positive psychology area) considers that our meaning comes from belonging to and serving something beyond ourself and from developing the best from within ourself. Choosing this type of reflective journalling as a daily practice will really help align yourself with this concept, bringing in more meaning to your everyday and a sense of accomplishment even with day to day tasks.

… love to hear how you go …..

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Change and all that …

Posted on February 15, 2018 Posted in Gay Landeta, Personal Development, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

An eclipse is a time to reset … as the full moon (which signifies our past and all we need to let go) is obscured we get the chance to reset. Then, once the moon reappears, we need to do the work to make that reset concrete.

While magic happens and things can change in an instant, keeping it real involves putting energy into the new positive patterns. As we sit in the ‘Eclipse Season’ these next few months offer a huge opportunity for growth as we redefine our lives in alignment with our insights of who we are and where we need to be. I thought I would share my experience of the eclipse as the next stage of the season, the Solar Eclipse is upon us – which may offer us just a bit more challenge.

As the eclipse last month neared, I was waiting to see how the moon would affect me. I find I am one of those affected quite strongly by the moon cycles. I was feeling wakeful and wild (an old pattern of non-sleeping / non-balance) in the night or so before the eclipse and then I returned to my (now) normal sleeping pattern as the moon progressed into the eclipse. I felt very at peace during the eclipse.

The evening after the eclipse was the Q&A for my Confident Practitioner Program. I look forward to it every week and I was especially excited as we had some new members. And then the technology challenges hit, time, internet, computer…. you name it. I was a frazzled little bee.

Of course I know I ‘should’ just accept it, it was a bit of residual full moon craziness and certainly not a reflection of a usual week or the work I do. But as enlightenment is still eons away I went home caught in a negative spiral of frustration and annoyance aimed directly at myself.

However this year my guiding word is ‘contentment’. I reflect on that seed thought regularly and use the concept as an intention in my yoga and meditation practices. As a result I notice quite quickly when I have forgotten and instead am sitting in a little puddle of discontent.

That night was a perfect opportunity to work with reinforcing the positive pattern of contentment instead of the internal misery delivered by the demon of self judgement. I also knew that I had to resolve it otherwise, as with any guilt and blame process, it would eventually turn outwards and I would end up feeling even worse.

As a bonus I know that every time we shift perspective from anger or judgmental or any type of negative thought to a kinder place we build a stronger self worth and a stronger connection to the best part of ourself, so the motivation for letting it go was was strong. But was it possible to just stop thinking like that? Of course not. Like the elephant in the room our internal demons demand attention. They are powerful beings who know how to bring us down. Difficult thoughts need to be externalised to diminish their power and often there is a wisdom buried within them, simply pushing them away means we miss an opportunity to grow. They will return until we ‘get it’.

I used a process to externalise the demons and help reset and banish those unwanted thoughts. I was able to find the wisdom within them, This is the process I thought I would share with you that may help you deal with any old demons you are in the process of banishing.

When those old demons take over most of us get pretty annoyed at ourselves. Then we are annoyed that we are annoyed and can end up feeling pretty hopeless – it even starts to feel that no matter how much work we do we will never get anywhere. So on top of berating ourself for the original transgression, we berate ourself for berating ourself for berating ourself. What a cycle!

To stop it I took myself to task. But in a caring parent way. In a kind teacher way. In a good managerial way. Using a gestalt type process I asked “So Gay, what happened there?” “Well, I thought I was really prepared but I wasn’t, this went wrong and then I did that wrong and then blah blah blah.” Excuses, guilt and embarrassment all came up. Like a little kid – but but but.

Once I had got that out (and it felt good to get it out without the internal judge and jury pronouncing sentence!), I then asked myself “So Gay, obviously this can’t happen again, what are we going to do about it?” And I came up with a set of processes that will take care of most of what went wrong and the rest, well, those will be things outside my control! I felt better and slept well, instead of the old pattern of being awake all night stressing about the situation.

You can try this process anytime you are berating yourself about something that you felt you should have known better about. Externalising your thoughts with kindness, rather than listening to your demons or shutting them down with distractions will help you develop the skill of observing and guiding your life instead of getting caught in the emotional sea. It doesn’t mean you won’t have emotions, it just means you don’t get as lost in the sea unable to sort things out.

This strategy means you step up into a meta position and can look at a situation from a higher perspective and can be used in any aspect of your life. It can be a written or verbal process and can produce profound results. Start by choosing your observer / facilitator roles, for example if it was a business thing – be the best kind of manager. If it was a personal thing – be your own loving and caring parent and teacher.

In this role don’t berate yourself. Ask thoughtful questions, allow venting (excuses, anger, sadness, etc ) and then be interested in finding workable positive solutions. Just like an excellent manager or loving parent. Once you figure them out do your best to put them into place and move on. Spend less time agonising and stressing and just accept that perfection is impossible! <Sigh>

You can do it in a gestalt way – out loud – even moving from chair to chair or you can write it out. Naming each role and taking each side, responding in turn until a solution is found. And then put it into action.

You want to continue until you come to peace with yourself about the situation and (if possible) have a positive workable solution.

The reality is you will probably forget to do this when you are caught in a wild emotional sea. If it sounds interesting, play with it when you do something you are a little bit annoyed about. “Oh I forgot to take my lunch again!”

Instead of being annoyed, calling your self names or moving straight to yet another solution that won’t work explore it. “So what happened here” “I forgot the food, I am such an idiot, it’s such a waste and anyway if the kids just were more organised it would be fine … “ whatever comes up allow it to be and then, once the excuses and guilt and blame are done “What can we try that might work better” and see what comes up. You might well receive a really useful insight about what you can do differently once the emotional charge has been recognised and resolved.

NOTE, this article is intended to provide information and does not replace or substitute for any professional or medical advice. Please seek external help if your thoughts are impacting you on a day to day basis. Learning to manage them is not impossible but your best results will come with expert help, your GP or local mental health hotline can guide you. If you have thoughts of harm towards yourself or others please seek immediate help.

Generosity Heals Depression

Posted on September 6, 2017 Posted in Daily Brain Boosters, Holistic Health, Personal Development Leave a comment

Another interesting piece of research I heard recently was altruistic (other focused) behaviour and depression. It appears helping others changes our brains, significantly increasing dopamine, oxytocin and other hormones that help depression.

It appears though, that there must be a balance between altruist behaviour and self-serving behaviour, otherwise the benefits do not seem to be as clear. The takeaway is that the old ‘Do not others as you would do unto you’ – i.e. care for others like you care for yourself – is another truism.

I found this particularly interesting after chatting with a long time client of mine recently. She is doing her Masters (and no doubt shortly her PhD) at Melbourne Uni in Positive Psychology. She is currently testing a theory that acts of kindness increase the immune system by doing a cluster of 5 acts of kindness once a week (it appears that a cluster every so often is better than one a day).

So far so good – she has not been afflicted by any of the dreadful lurgies that are going around but as we chatted a philosophical question raised its head – if you do a kindness for others for your own benefit i.e. an act of kindness to increase your own immune system then is it really an act of kindness? This latest research into the balance that must be maintained with altruistic and self-serving behaviour to support our mental health seems to help resolve that.

Interesting, that same research also showed that some people will unavoidably fall into depression unless the work they do is heartfelt (my word) and makes a difference. I thought of several of my clients who struggle working in jobs that are not filling their soul. Often their only alternative is to keep doing the job to make the money to keep on keeping on. They feel trapped and depressed which is then compounded with guilt because they can’t fulfil their partners, their parents, societies …(fill in the blanks) expectations. The truth appears to be that some of us are simply hardwired to be unable to do this.

So if you are struggling between having to ‘be successful in a career / make money’ or do work that inspires you, you may be one of these people. If so, it seems to me (as one of these people!) that again, knowing this is a hard wired brain process to keep our society functioning and healthy may help you see your choice in a different light. Maybe you won’t make as much / be as apparently ‘successful’ or acceptable – but you will be taking action to take responsibility for living your life the way you need to. I’m not sure we can do much more than that!

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Healthy Ageing and the Brain

Posted on September 6, 2017 Posted in Daily Brain Boosters, Holistic Health, Personal Development Leave a comment

Recently, I was listening to some of the latest research on the brain and neural plasticity. I love that it is such a large and mainstream area now that you can’t keep up with all of it – you have to choose a focus area to even have a ghost of a chance to stay up to date!

I also love that the research often just backs up much of the metaphysical and alternate thoughts that have been voiced over the last few hundred years – or, even more significantly, thousands of years once you consider ancient tribal wisdom….

Some of the latest research on healthy ageing shows that our brains do change as we age, however not so much the way we used to think of it. ‘Use it or lose it’ is definitely true however what actually happens is that we start to slow down to develop a deeper thought process, a reflective process in our 40’s, 50’s and 60’s which, it appears, is to develop the intelligence and wisdom to guide the tribe.

I find it fascinating as it aligns with the universal tribal custom of deferring to the wisdom of the elders, aside from mythologies and archetypes such as maiden, mother, crone or astrology theories that identify planetary events that create retrospection during these years.

Whichever perspective you take it appears once we move into our 40’s we are hard wired to lose part of our capacity for a carefree nature and instead be called to listen deeply to what i

s really important in our life. As a bit of an idealist, ok a lot of an idealist, I think it is reassuring to know that this is a normal and necessary part of our development and a basic aspect of the survival of our species.

It also seems that many of our world leaders may still be stuck in more juvenile patterns of thought. In a strange way this is not unexpected in a culture that celebrates youth as we do. It seems we need to learn to use our wisdom as we listen to those in authority and not blindly ignore nor accept what they say. Ruminate, find the wisdom and then share. The right people will hear.

So meditate, run, dance, draw, journal or do whatever you do to welcome in wisdom and create your aha moments that lead you to your joy. Share it with others. That wisdom might just be what is needed right now by your tribe!

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Mindfulness In A Busy Life

Posted on April 4, 2017 Posted in Gay Landeta, Hints & Tips for Creating & Goal Setting, Holistic Health, Personal Development, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

In these busy times it certainly seems we have to make a decision to not be busy all the time and to become actively mindful and create space in our lives – otherwise the madness continues. This slowing down is much more difficult that it sounds though.

For me this concept is always a problem, I get bored quite easily and excited by new ideas (as anyone who knows me knows!) So this year I am practicing mindfulness by making choices with even more care for the consequences than ever before. I have long had to accept that, as the eternal optimist, I expect I can get twice as much done than I actually can – which leads to that overwhelming situation of having way too much to do and no time to do it. Which I hate.

To maintain a balance I need to be aware that when I choose to take on something new I must accept that, as I am already quite busy, other things will go by the wayside no matter how much I wish they didn’t. While this seems obvious, how many of us put our hands up or accept more to do without taking time out to consider the reality of what we are being asked, or asking of, ourself.

It is true – busy people get more done. And I know I stay focused and get more done when I have a bit on the go. But I know when I have too much on my plate my sense of synchronicity and flow disappears and I start feeling stressed and rushed – and if I keep up the craziness it eventually aggravates old injuries and gives me an awful pain in the neck. How fitting.

For someone with an auto-immune condition it may mean a flare up of their physical condition, for others it may be a susceptibility to anything that is going around, digestive issues or a lack of libido. All sorts of 21st century challenges such as road rage or even just general irritability can be a product of too much going on. Stress will always show up in our chink to let us know it is time to slow down.

By being more accountable for how much I can actually do and recognising the impact it will have on me, my work, my loved ones and my life is a way to learn from these challenges and create more balanced and a happier life – instead of just adding more things to an impossible list! In the end the chink will very often fix itself once we accept the learning it offers. <hear that neck lol!>

Of course listening creates its own problems! Firstly we have to accept the challenge of being mindful and creating the space to listen. We often have so much banked up that it seems impossible to stop, let alone listen to an idea that we are doing too much. How many times two we say, “I’ll just get this done and then I will stop” …. but the reality is, if we needed to, just about anything would be dropped in an emergency. So the first step is decluttering our life (not just our homes).

Next, once we have the space we need to learn to relax in it. A busy person often craves space but when it is created just schedules in a pile of outstanding todo’s from the ‘should’ pile. Or creates a new project. And so they are busy-busy once again. Learning to relax and follow the flow is a great way to get your mojo back and re-discover what is important to you.

Did you know that once you take enough time really doing nothing you will reconnect with the deeper part of yourself. That will include the motivation to do some of those items that have been on the list for some time. And as for some of the other items – well you realise you really don’t care and can delete them.

This actually works for everyone, the challenge is stepping through the beliefs that keep us feeling that busy = productive = successful. We often believe that if we aren’t busy we aren’t worthwhile or that un-finished projects reflect a flawed personality. We may have to accept that our super power is in fact in learning to relax and stretch into time without anxiety instead of squeezing time into an impossible schedule.

So enjoy some quiet time – Easter is nearly upon us and what better space than that to stop. Allow those busy demons to tell you to get a move on and listen to the madness they are preaching – often the quieter you get the more things they think of to get you to do! But not reacting means they will eventually quiet down and you can take satisfaction from telling them to chill!

Happy Easter!

Gay Landeta is a busy coach, counsellor and kinesiologist in Brisbane, Australia who has chosen a part time tree change to learn all about slowing down, growing veggies and making art.

Happy Holiday Relationships

Posted on December 23, 2016 Posted in Gay Landeta, Personal Development, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

Holiday times … lots of fun for many, but oh so difficult for others, often because of complicated celebration arrangements or a breakdown of communication with friends or family.

In these busy times it is hard to have the space to deal with difficult emotions so instead we often just put them out of our mind. Then along comes a holiday with the invitations and expectations and everything comes up, the intensity often taking us by surprise. Often there is a particular relationship at the core of our pain and we wonder if it is really worth it? Do we really want to bother? This calls to mind a dear friend of mine’s re-jig of a quote by Patti Smith about literature ‘magnifying your spirit’.

My friends re-jig was about ‘relationships expanding your spirit’ and her question is “Does this relationship expand your spirit?”. I though it was a wonderful one to ask ourselves about the tricky people in our lives. Expanding our spirit is about growing, becoming a better person, feeling light and free.

Perhaps someone challenges you. Perhaps you have to learn new ways to communicate to build a relationship with them, expand your compassionate heart to accept them for who they are and to accept parts of yourself that are less than attractive. You may not feel light and free but the gifts they are teaching you will help you connect more deeply with who you truly are which will, in turn help you become lighter and more free. These are truly our Zen Masters, helping us to enlightenment.

Other times those that challenge us just make us smaller. Perhaps if we were ‘a better person’ we could grow but we can’t and so we beat ourselves up. Therein lies the problem! These people are perhaps not expanding our soul. Maybe we just need to bless them and let them go, at least for the moment, giving ourself the opportunity to regroup, to lighten up and expand again.

Perhaps we can re-enter a relationship with them in the future but we need to, at the very least, develop better tools to maintain ourself in our centre while we engage in that relationship. If we can’t, and if we and the other person just cannot come together perhaps it is time to learn the art of letting go with love.

If we can do that there is forgiveness in even the most difficult of
relationships. And in that forgiveness expansion.

I wish you a holiday experience that brings you peace and joy and love. And a beautiful and amazing 2017.

Gay Landeta Kinesiologist

Relationship Challenges!

Posted on October 24, 2016 Posted in Gay Landeta, Personal Development, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

Heads Up! Oct 2016

Last months eclipse, being in Pisces, has challenged our compassion and offered up a beautiful opportunity for the soul to grow. The effects will last for about 6 months so there is a potential for old pain to continue to emerge but with it the opportunity for profound healing and a reconnection with the deepest part of ourself.

Jupiter has left the planet Virgo and moved into Libra which means the spotlight is on relationships for this next year. Jupiter is all about expansion and growth so that means we will all have the opportunity to expand our relationship skills. Relationships will be challenged – but the opportunity is there for growth if we choose. Remember a shift can be as simple as being open to what is stirring.

We tend to hide away from ourselves for fear of change – however the truth is that change is usually best handled by looking at it straight in the eye. It then becomes easy to take small, easily manageable steps without overwhelm and with caring for yourself in the journey.

We always need extra self care in a time of change. Here is a beautiful self compassion exercise from the School of Life who offer a fantastic library of support resources. I hope you enjoy it, being gentle with ourself gives us more space to be kind to others. And doesn’t this world need a bit more of that!

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BTW, If you haven’t down loaded my free ebook you may like to do that. I also developed my on-line programs to help you figure this stuff out so you can learn to let go and create a life you love. To have a look click here.

Respect and Relationships

Posted on October 7, 2016 Posted in Gay Landeta, Personal Development, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

Respect is one of those strange things that we often assume we understand but, depending upon our upbringing or values, can differ greatly between people. But what is respect? And what is not respect? And how do we truly respect our partners and ourselves in a relationship, especially if we want to be authentic? These questions have been swirling around in my head and then I saw these three quotes on Facebook ….

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.”~ K. Gibran
“Unless you are a survivor of emotional abuse you have no idea what it means to fight daily battles in your head with a person you no longer have contact with. Verbal, emotional and physical abuse have residual effects on the victim. You don’t ‘just get over it’ “(anonymous)
and, by the wonderful Wayne Dyer : “Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It’s not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make. Period.”

For me these quotes summed up much of my musings. To me they speak of the absolute need for respect and care and authenticity in relationships.

We must be real in our relationships. If we are not authentic our partner is simply having a relationship with someone else. An imaginary person that we have created because it is a better person that we are. Two major flaws with this coping mechanism – firstly who says this imaginary person is better! And, more importantly, this imaginary person cannot last.

No matter how good our acting abilities are, the false self will fade away and our wild and imperfect self will emerge. Anyone who has been in a relationship with someone who has had this happen will know the shock of being with someone who is so different than the one we thought they were. Of course we will always put our best foot forward when meeting someone but the more comfy with are with ourself the less likely we are to put up a mask.

The trouble though, when we are being real, is that we may be concerned that our raw honesty may be hurtful. For example there may be times when we are exhausted and can’t listen to another word but our partner is on a roll. Perhaps they need to download or make requests of us but we just can’t take it in. How to be honest and say that we can’t listen without causing an argument? That is where care and respect come in. If a relationship is based on care and respect then we do not want to hurt them and we also don’t expect our partner to be intentionally disrespectful or want to hurt us.

But that doesn’t mean not saying anything.

By having an honest dialogue, perhaps saying, “Sweetheart, I am just too tired to listen right now, if I continue to listen I will be pretending and that is no good for either of us. Can we talk a bit later <and then identify a time you can listen>.” You must make sure you carry this through – it is now your responsibly to show the care and respect for your partner by initiating the recommencement of the dialogue, even if it is tricky.

If we are doing the talking we can remember that sometimes what we are saying may be too much for our partner to take in – we can then flag the conversation before we start by saying something like “Honey, I need to download about my sh*t of a day – can you listen right now?” or “We need to talk about the party next weekend at my folks, can we talk right now?” (and then respect the yes or no response and set up a time that you can both be present.

Of course this takes practice and won’t necessarily come easily but remembering that if you love each other then neither of you would be wanting to intentionally hurt each other. That means if you are getting hurt you may be taking things personally. Of course if you are either wanting to cause a bit of pain or feeling continually hurt then that is a VERY STRONG signal that you need to do some work on yourself and / or your relationship together.

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