Our life is created around patterns of behaviour that we have developed to cope with, or in response to our experiences in life.
Often we wake up to old patterns that aren’t working for us anymore. We recognize that they are not useful and want to change but can’t. It can feel extremely frustrating to keep battling patterns we know are dysfunctional.
How to get out of them? First step, recognize the pattern in its entirety and how it has been useful. No matter how dysfunctional the behaviour, it was a defense mechanism that once upon a time worked. (Or at least was better than any other options.) Forgive yourself for being human!
Next decide what new behaviour could work and experiment with implementation. You will probably find it works for a little bit until you fall into the habit of the old behaviour. Again forgive yourself for being human.
Think it through a bit more, recognize the complexity of the pattern, maybe talk to some impartial outsiders to help you figure out a few more tactics and let go of a bit of baggage and have another go.
It will probably work a bit better this time. Or at least until you get stressed. Frustration or overwhelm hits and you might just pull out the old habit because at least it used to sort of work. And wham there you are again. Forgive yourself yet again for being human.
Maybe have another chat with your impartial support, dig a bit deeper and unpack a bit more of the old baggage, learn a few new techniques for dealing with stress, frustration and overwhelm and keep on keeping on practicing the new habits – until one day you notice they are your normal way of being.
Lets explore this in action, let’s say your old behaviour is screaming at or offering the silent treatment to the kids or your partner when they won’t help. (This is a pretty generic behaviour and one most people would prefer not to do.) Read the rest of this entry »
The challenge of the search for a soul mate is well known… so many think that once they find ‘the one’ they will be happy forever. The nice little fairy tale ending. But soul mates come in all shapes and sizes and are not always the perfect love match. Sometimes they are friends or relatives. And sometimes they come into our life for us to explore our dark side.
These soul mate relationships can be very intense, painful and even harder to let go of than the perfect love match. I once heard these challenging soul mate lovers called the ‘Dark Lover’…. And ohhh, don’t they feel like that?! Very often we feel as intensely the pull towards them as the repelling away. Read the rest of this entry »
August 11, 2011
We are now in the few days before the full moon on the 13th and in a mercury retrograde… Most of us will be in a fairly reflective state of mind. This post from The Hames Report spoke to my heart, both as a parent and as a child. http://fiveliteracies.typepad.com/richard_hames/2011/08/stepping-into-abundance-a-letter-to-my-children.html
The urge to bond with another human being is almost impossible to ignore. And let’s face it – that is how the human species has survived! But the reality of making a relationship work, especially long term, is another thing altogether.
Neuroscience shows us that the stages of relationship are governed by chemicals in the brain. We start with good old lust, this is when we draw on our basic sex hormones, Estrogen and Testosterone.
We move onto attraction which requires appropriate levels of Dopamine (involved in addiction also!) Seratonin and Adrenaline. (think about that racing heart when s/he rings!)
Finally we have the attachment stage which is the area that is still not well understood. It seems Oxytocin, the mother or cuddle hormone, appears to be the lead hormone here.
No wonder, once in a relationship, we can lose our best intentions and become caught. With all those hormones and chemicals running rampant it can be difficult to stay connected to reality, especially if we also believe the myths of relationship. We end up bound into something that might not be the best for us – or our mate.
So before starting out in a relationship think about some of the myths of relationship, bust them and get set up for success, here are 5 that came to my mind ….. Read the rest of this entry »
March, 11, 2011
this months ezine….
Conflict : Evolution or Devolution?
by Gay Landeta
Conflict. While many of us avoid it, if at all possible, it can play an enormous part in our personal and spiritual growth. The challenge is to utilize its growth-full properties instead of its dividing qualities.
So how to do that?
First we need to understand conflict a little better. I like this description from Transformational Kinesiology. It originates from The Science of Becoming Oneself by Torkom Saraydarian and discusses the causes of conflict:
“…we will find conflict starts when:
- A new energy, thought or idea clashes with the old obsolete one
- People feel dissatisfaction with the current economic, social, religious, or scientific conditions (as new and better conditions arise)
- An advanced person enters our ranks and disturbs the calm and peaceful waters in which we are floating innocently or sinfully. We find in literature of olden days great disciples were often called troublemakers, this is true in every age.
I love the truth of that. Conflict with / from others is often the result of new ways clashing with the old. This shakes us up and if we are open enough creates change. Read the rest of this entry »