Relationships & Self Growth Archives | Page 2 of 3 | Gay Landeta, Brisbane Kinesiology, Life Coach & Business Mentor

Reflective Listening – Connecting Deeply Without Rescuing

Posted on September 6, 2015 Posted in Gay Landeta, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

Gay LandetaSo many of us are natural born fixers that the only way we can really relate to others is when we are

solving their problems. We are so used to offering advice and helping others that making the choice to stop fixing can leave us feeling lost. But once we really understand how draining being the rescuer is – and how it keeps us caught in the Drama Triangle we need to find new ways of relating.Reflective listening is a great skill to use to give support without being a rescuer. Basically reflective listening is reflecting back what you are hearing or the emotions you are hearing in a way that can be confirmed as truth or not.

For example, saying ‘Sounds like you are feeling bad about what you did’ or ‘seems like you are not sure if they like you or not’, or ‘you sound like you are feeling really annoyed about that’ opens the space for more discussion. The, very often, the person you are reflecting back to can figure it out for themselves, especially if they are overtly asking for help.

If they directly ask what you think, you could say something like ‘I don’t know’ (if you don’t) or ‘what I would do is right for me not right for you’ or ‘I can’t really say as I am not you’ or ‘I might do xyz, but only you know if something like that could be helpful for you’.

The aim is to open the space for them to go within to find the answer and help them to use any suggestions as suggestions only. If we have been exceptional fixers often people will follow what we say without questioning their own inner wisdom, ultimately a disempowering situation for everyone. Reflective listening creates the space for the inner reflection that allows the inner wisdom to wake up and take part in life.

Overcoming Fears. Or Not. You Choose.

Posted on July 17, 2015 Posted in Gay Landeta, Personal Development, Relationships & Self Growth 2 Comments

Gay Landeta

I have always had a big interest in anxiety and fear, professionally because I work with many who experience it daily, often finding that it is stopping them from being all they can be. But also self directed because I have a tendency to it. Since writing about primal fear that is often confused with anxiety and fear, and the fear of failure and overcoming fears to be all you can be, I seem to be surrounded by discussions on fear.

The latest today in yoga, the teacher was talking about the acronym for fear that he learnt when he started yoga training – Face Everything And Rise. He then compared it to the acronym that he learnt in his military career (yup, he is ex army – that tickles me so much!! Yoga is truly for everyone!) F**k Everything And Run. And of course each is absolutely true, depending upon the circumstances you are in.

By taking time to do your internal exploration you will notice if what you are thinking of doing is really worth the fear you are feeling – or if in fact that fearfulness is (another fear acronym I learnt years ago) False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear is just an indicator of something else (like so many things!) and in itself neither good nor bad.

So sometimes the best thing to do is to face the fear and do it anyway – at other times it is better to walk away. It just depends on the situation. But, if that fear is the result of something that is asking you to step up to being a bigger and better version of yourself, this prose by Marianne Williamson will sing deeply to you …

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

– Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love.

…. so be like a little child and just shine!

Anger

Posted on December 22, 2014 Posted in Gay Landeta, Personal Development, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

Gay Landeta

I just read a wonderful blog on anger –

I’ve sat down every day for the last two weeks to write a post, and gave up after a few minutes. I have plenty to say, but I’m stuck. Everything I start to say turns into an angry rant. It’s not an easy time right now. It’s disheartening and frustrating.
– See more at: http://juliediamond.net/talking-your-anger/#sthash.p0b63rjN.dpuf

I agree – it is not an easy time – and when my anger at society is stirred I find I start to feel angry about small personal and often slightly ridiculous injustices, leaving me feeling frustrated on top of it.

Anger in and of itself is not the problem, anger rises when our boundaries, values and beliefs are challenged. Identifying the source of that anger and keeping clear about what is important and what is not important is. Continuing to make a stand for what we believe in, i.e. being able to be in conflict is part of the change process and vitally important in the world today but getting caught in the small stuff – not so useful.

I wrote an article on conflict a few years ago that offers some tips on processing our personal ‘stuff” that can get in the way. Once we are clear and not caught in own our little story and little injustices (moving into a more relaxed ‘just is’) we can see things clearly and commit, where appropriate, to a purposeful use of our anger, deliberate, focused action, to stir things up and create change.

Julie has committed 2015 to purposeful anger, I like it. http://juliediamond.net/talking-your-anger/

Love and Relationships, What Makes them Work?

Posted on September 16, 2014 Posted in Gay Landeta, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

Gay Landeta

The urge to bond with another human being is almost impossible to ignore.

And let’s face it – that is how the human species has survived! But the reality of making a relationship work, especially long term, is another thing altogether.   Neuroscience shows us that the stages of relationship are governed by chemicals in the brain.

We start with good old lust, this is when we draw on our basic sex hormones, Estrogen and Testosterone.

We move onto attraction which requires appropriate levels of Dopamine (involved in addiction also!) Seratonin and Adrenaline. (think about that racing heart when s/he rings!)  .

Finally we have the attachment stage which is the area that is still not well understood. It seems Oxytocin, the mother or cuddle hormone, appears to be the lead hormone here.

No wonder, once in a relationship, we can lose our best intentions and become caught. With all those hormones and chemicals running rampant it can be difficult to stay connected to reality, especially if we also believe the myths of relationship. We end up bound into something that might not be the best for us – or our mate.

So before starting out in a relationship think about some of the myths of relationship, bust them and get set up for success, here are 5 that came to my mind …..

1. There is only one for me…. In actual fact we have many potential mates. For example I recently read an article that suggested the best number of potential mates to pick from is 9. Less than that and you might miss the perfect being, more than that and you will just end up confused!

2. We have to be attracted immediately to make it work …. You can actually make attraction and connection happen with almost anyone! New York psychologist, Professor Arthur Arun, had strangers spend an hour and a half talking about the intimate details of their lives and then 4 minutes silently looking into each other’s eyes. Many felt deeply attracted afterwards and 2 couples went on to marry!

3. Love can conquer all (for all us romance idealists out there!) …. Sorry but no. In fact hanging around in something that is really no good just becomes a habit. And the longer we stay, and the blurrier our intentions for a relationship are, the harder it is to leave. Better to make sure you know what you want BEFORE you get into relationship and have all those hormones and chemicals clouding reality.   NB Questions to ask yourself … Do I know what my deal beakers are? What are the values that I hold as important in relationship and what are my no-go zones? Now write these down so any incompatibility will become apparent sooner rather than later making it easier to call it quits.

4. I have to stay for the kids, the family, my parents, our financial future etc… Is that really true? Is this bad relationship really serving you AND your partner, or are you both stuck in a hole where no one can escape? Maybe starting a new life is not only good for you but also good modeling for your children.
But then again, perhaps it is your old patterning and issues breaking you apart. This is the time to get some counselling to get clear about the situation. Relationship counseling (together) is often very useful as well. This is also the time when that earlier list is very useful! And remember, if it is a lack of connection that is leading you to question your relationship try making time to look into each other’s eyes. (Remember – 4 minutes and strangers are attracted!) Might be just what you need to recognise your lover once again.

5. This might be the best that there is…… maybe that is true, maybe not. You are the only one who can judge that. Perhaps you are expecting too much. But maybe you are expecting to little! Does your one and only generally satisfy you? Total bliss is an impossible dream, especially the longer we stay in relationship. But the good MUST outweigh the bad. Substantially.   So what do you need to be ready for a great relationship?  *Feel good about yourself. Have boundaries in place and know what you are looking for. Write down a list!   *Make sure you feel truly worthy of a relationship, we are all fundamentally both flawed and magnificent!  *Appreciate the differences in us all. The more acceptance you have of your own self, the more you can accept another. And the more acceptance you have of your own self, the less likely you will settle for someone that doesn’t make you happy.   *And, if your relationship starts going haywire and you value it get counselling early, bad communication is one of the main reasons for relationship breakdown.

If you need a bit of relationship support give us a ring on 07 3255 0099 – a few sessions may be all you need to get you on your way to Creating the Life you want to Live!

Roles- Are yours holding you back?

Posted on July 20, 2014 Posted in Gay Landeta, Personal Development, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

Gay Landeta

We each have many roles, but these often create conflict and frustration. We can start to feel trapped. We may become exhausted rushing around, for example, as parent, corporate lawyer, yoga student, cook, money manager and daughter …. plus many more.

As human beings we believe so strongly in the importance of our roles that we teach our children that they need a role in life to be happy. If they don’t create one for themselves we can worry about them – and they often accept our indoctrination and worry about themselves. What they should have or be by, for example, age 21 or 28 or whatever. In fact we humans tend to get so caught in the importance of our roles that we can start to believe that once we stop playing a role our world will fall apart.

We become lost in our roles, believe that they define us and then start to believe that to be of value we must excel at at least some of them. Our self esteem and self worth hangs by the threads of our roles, a perilous existence!

But what if our roles are just roles that we play and are secondary in importance to who we truly are.

What if what we do doesn’t really matter that much in the biggest scheme of things – OW! Most ego’s will react to that one! But think about it, how many people do we hear of who have their whole life explode around them, often through illness or accident, and need to let go of their roles. Those people will very often say how that event changed their life for the better, even if it was incredibly painful.

And then think about those you many know who have clung onto an ex-role and, as a result is stuck in their ex-life.

Dealing with the ‘ex-ness” of it, and letting it go, painful as it may be, allows us to become stronger and more inspirational to others. Learning to detach from the limitations of our roles and realising that we are always more than any role, allows our authentic self emerge, and that Being is unaltered by any external event. Anchoring into that Being allows us to move into the joy and wisdom that can be seen on the ‘other side’ of those major events.

We will all experience major change, most of us luckily escape the explosions but we will all experience the kids leaving home, loosing a job, the death of a loved one. And at those times, as we grieve, it is important to realise some grief lies around the loss of or change in identity, i.e. one of our roles. Our Being has not changed.

The Buddhists have a core teaching about the concept of impermanence, that everything is temporary, including our human incarnation, and that our attachments, including the faulty belief of permanence, is the source of all suffering. Many resonate with this teaching but bringing this concept into day to day life takes courage because our roles have taken on such importance. Letting go of the need to be our roles can feel almost like annihilation. A small step is just realising that there is more to life and who we are than the roles we play. We can then start to anchor into Beingness.

Our roles, our life, even our physical incarnation are just tools for our True Self to use in the world, to help us to learn our lessons and enjoy our planet! We need to anchor to our center and allow our roles to become something we choose to do. Not have to do. We can experience and stay connected to our life, our loves and joys, even our disappointments without feeling they are us.

As we learn to detach but stay connected we learn to live life more joyfully with less suffering. Our many roles clash less and clarity about our future emerges at the right time.

Life becomes more graceful, even in the rush!

Sit with the concept of impermanence and remember that we are all more than we appear to be. And see if it opens doors for you.

Enjoy the Process & Create the Life You Want to Live.

This Month resolve to remember that our roles are just roles, not who we Truly Are.

The Dark Lover Our Greatest Gift

Posted on July 4, 2014 Posted in Gay Landeta, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

Gay Landeta

A challenging relationship the greatest gift? Really? YES! Read on….

The challenge of the search for a soul mate is well known… so many think that once they find ‘the one’ they will be happy forever. The nice little fairy tale ending. But soul mates come in all shapes and sizes and are not always the perfect love match. Sometimes they are friends or relatives. And sometimes they come into our life for us to explore our dark side.

These soul mate relationships can be very intense, painful and even harder to let go of than the perfect love match. I once heard these challenging soul mate lovers called the ‘Dark Lover’…. And ohhh, don’t they feel like that?! Very often we feel as intense the pull towards them as the push away.

So what do I mean by exploring the ‘the dark side’? Well, as soon as I mention this I immediately see Darth Vader. And to be truthful, he is part of this archetype.

The dark side is our shadow. It is often the part of us that we don’t particularly like or even want to acknowledge. We often try to overcome this aspect of ourselves and even can consider it a character flaw. However once we explore it there is wisdom there – but also danger if we misuse it.

For example for all us Virgo’s out there – yes I am coming out as a Virgo – we can be super critical and judgmental. (And, by the way, any criticism you may hear coming from a Virgo is probably a quarter of what is going on within). So that critical nature may become our ‘dark side’. Kept hidden and hated, it can start to be expressed as ever increasing criticism. But acknowledged and transformed, it becomes the ability to discern – which is part of the higher purpose for a Virgo.

So how does the shadow relate to our ‘Dark Lover’? Well, there you are, trotting along with life, doing your absolute best to hide that yucky bit. And you meet your Dark Lover. Oh, so very attractive. Dark Lovers are all we are not and yet exactly the same. We feel complete with them. They have rescued us, or so we hope. Or maybe we wanted to rescue them…. But, therein lies the downfall (kind of like for Darth Vader I guess). We are rescued / rescuing instead of being responsible for our Self and our own journey.

And so the relationship goes, often developing into an incredibly painful love/hate, a messy emotional or even physical violent experience, the drama triangle in full tilt. But, once we can get a perspective on a difficult relationship (and we can’t do this while we are still inside the pain of the relationship) we can just settle into recognizing what we have learned in the relationship. One of the ways to let go of that pain is rather than spending time trying to understanding the situation or figure out who did what to whom just realise that it was what it was and the learning – the really gift of the relationship – can come. Once that gift is accepted the relationship can be finally let go of. Sometimes this takes years after the relationship is over – especially if we are stuck in the blame game.

This gift will not be the ‘backward gift’ (e.g. never to love again… that men / women are really totally untrustworthy… to never share again, etc) but the true gift, for example the gift of inner strength or re-aligning with our True Self or of listening to our inner wisdom or one of million other magical learnings that those challenging relationships can bring. Once we recognize the gift we can forgive and release the other with the highest kind of universal love (instead of the hormone driven extravaganza it may have started with).

May the Force be with you.
Copyright © 2014 Create the Life. All Rights Reserved. This article may not be used without the prior written consent from the author.

Christmas Joy?

Posted on December 19, 2013 Posted in Gay Landeta, Relationships & Self Growth 1 Comment

Like most people, I have found myself standing amongst the blur of end of year preparations thinking “Already?”. What a year it has been, working with many clients I have seen a distinct trend in experiences as well. This has been a year of learning, growing and letting go. So what do those three words mean at this time of year… when Christmas Carols are on repeat in all shopping centres, endless advertisements for material gifts are projected in all directions, and the general energy about town is “Ho, Ho, Ho… buy, buy, buy”.

Spend a moment to think about it. What did you learn this year? How did I grow? and What did I left go of? It might be as simple as I learnt how to knit (although, from my knitting attempts it’s not that simple), or it might be as big as I learnt how to say ‘no’. Whatever it is, recognise it. Be proud of it. Honour it.

The same goes with how you grew and what you let go of. Recognise it, be proud of it, honour it!

In all the hustle of Christmas, often we get swept up and away from the significance the end of the year presents. The closing of another chapter, a time to reflect, learn and of course… ‘celebrate’. Celebrating the love of family and friends is a beautiful aspect of this time of year, as is celebrating all that has come to pass in the last 12 months. So celebrate, be merry and honour you and your development in the process.

Have fun and Create the Life You Want to Live….

Understanding Interpersonal Dynamics, stepping outside of the triangle.

Posted on November 27, 2013 Posted in Gay Landeta, Relationships & Self Growth 2 Comments

Gay Landeta

Understanding Interpersonal Dynamics, reclaim your True Self – away from outdated power dynamics.

Imagine a triangle. In one corner lies our hero, the rescuer, ready to fix everything, to do battle to save the world.

In another corner lies a victim, someone who is having a seriously bad time. Poor little one, we feel such pity for them.

And in the final corner we see the cause of the pain, the persecutor. How dare s/he!

Watch closely what happens as they spring into action –

The rescuer leaps from their corner into the persecutors lair ready to sort out this issue.

Yeah, we shout… pleased that, at last, the cause of the problem will be dealt with.

That is until we see that perhaps the persecutor is not actually as bad as we thought, in fact s/he seems to be becoming a victim of the fixer’s righteous anger. As the fixer takes on the cloak of the persecutor, the persecutor dons the robes of the victim and shuffles over into the victim’s corner.

As the ex-persecutor shuffles into the victim’s corner, the victim sees the situation and becomes outraged at the ex-fixers behaviour. S/he finds the strength to defend this poor victim, the ex-persecutor, and then bounds into the rescuer’s corner.

At this, our ex-rescuer – now residing in the perpetrators corner – calms down and remembers s/he is meant to be the one to fix everything. S/he dumps the persecutors cloak and jumps back into the rescuers corner which irritates and angers our ex-victim.

Our ex-victim now leaps into the vacant persecutors corner, furious about …..

And on they play, jumping from corner to corner of the triangle at the whim of their reaction to their perceptions, perceptions that are shifting and changing every moment.

So … a question … how many of us spend endless hours reacting as the victim, the rescuer or the persecutor instead of responding to a situation without playing in those roles?

For many of us this triangle, sometimes called the drama triangle for obvious reasons, directs the course of our relationships and life.

Certainly our myths are full of the triangle in action and don’t many of us secretly wish we were a super-hero, I always wanted to be Batman myself!

Trouble is, this triangle can truly create a nightmare in our life. Constantly trying to fix everything, feeling trapped and angry about circumstances and ready to do battle at any given moment are signs that you are stuck in the trap.

So if we recognise that we are caught in this nightmare what can we do?

Firstly stop and acknowledge it. Naming it is very powerful. Not what the other is doing but our own role in perpetuating the triangle. Recognising that we are playing the victim, the persecutor or the fixer – or more likely jumping between all three roles, is the first step.

So, just name it. Stay away from blaming your fellow triangle members – you don’t want the persecutors spot, nor do you want to start feeling guilty about it all, otherwise the victim corner will open to embrace you.

Next give yourself space before reacting. You cannot fix this. That compelling feeling is part of the role of the rescuer. A very comfortable place for many of us but ultimately, once we are the rescuer, we become doomed also to take on the roles of the victim and the persecutor.

Be also aware of the attraction of being the victim. We often enjoy this spot. It can feel very nice to have all those rescuers offering to save us. But it is a very tiring role. And ultimately, if we continue to reside in victimhood, we abdicate our personal responsibly and end up waiting for someone to rescue us and make us happy. We also often end up living out a life immersed in bitterness and resentment for the lousy hand we have been dealt.

Recognising you have power in your life is essential. You can choose whatever you like. You only need to take the consequences of your choices.

This Month’s Resolve : to accept responsibility for my life and my choices and take action!

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What’s your Superpower?

Posted on September 14, 2013 Posted in Gay Landeta, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

I went to a brilliant esoteric astrologer the other day – William Meader – and he commented that my chart indicated a characteristic of solid persistence that was very significant and well aspected (a good thing). I responded that my partner considers that both my greatest strength and my biggest weakness.

That comment had me pondering about the fact that we all have at least one talent or attribute that is also our Achilles heel…. The kryptonite to our Superpower unless we really know ourself and our strengths and weaknesses and direct them positively in our life.

My persistence is generally useful, occasionally I can be a bit obsessive but I do my best to direct it in useful ways. On the whole, I enjoy it. I might prefer to be faster than a speeding train (at least on those mornings I wake a little late) but you get that!

So my question is what is your superpower; and how well do you manage it?

Hole in the Road: Letting go of old patterns

Posted on September 20, 2011 Posted in Gay Landeta, Relationships & Self Growth Leave a comment

Our life is created around patterns of behaviour that we have developed to cope with, or in response to our experiences in life.

Often we wake up to old patterns that aren’t working for us anymore. We recognize that they are not useful and want to change but can’t. It can feel extremely frustrating to keep battling patterns we know are dysfunctional.

How to get out of them? First step, recognize the pattern in its entirety and how it has been useful. No matter how dysfunctional the behaviour, it was a defense mechanism that once upon a time worked. (Or at least was better than any other options.) Forgive yourself for being human!

Next decide what new behaviour could work and experiment with implementation. You will probably find it works for a little bit until you fall into the habit of the old behaviour. Again forgive yourself for being human.
Think it through a bit more, recognize the complexity of the pattern, maybe talk to some impartial outsiders to help you figure out a few more tactics and let go of a bit of baggage and have another go.

It will probably work a bit better this time. Or at least until you get stressed. Frustration or overwhelm hits and you might just pull out the old habit because at least it used to sort of work. And wham there you are again. Forgive yourself yet again for being human.

Maybe have another chat with your impartial support, dig a bit deeper and unpack a bit more of the old baggage, learn a few new techniques for dealing with stress, frustration and overwhelm and keep on keeping on practicing the new habits – until one day you notice they are your normal way of being.

Lets explore this in action, let’s say your old behaviour is screaming at or offering the silent treatment to the kids or your partner when they won’t help. (This is a pretty generic behaviour and one most people would prefer not to do.) Continue reading →

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